The mid 90s definitely comes through strong. I may have somehow missed the date at the beginning and I still absolutely felt the decade. Im a little bit confused tonally at points... am I supposed to be amused or afraid for Addi? It does make me want to keep reading and thats what a first chapter exists for. Well done and I look forward to what comes next.
I enjoyed the character's voice. Her inner monologue is funny, and the ’90s references gave the chapter a lot of personality. She feels like someone with a clear point of view right away, which made the chapter easy to get into.
I’m also intrigued by the guy from the rival clan. He has a memorable presence, and I’m curious to see how that tension develops. Her relationship with her twin brother stood out to me too. She thinks he’s kind of a loser, but there’s still this closeness between them that feels very believable for twins.
Overall, this was a really fun opening with a strong voice, a funny premise, and enough tension to make me want to keep reading. I’m excited to see where you take it.
Favorite lines: “She trudges ahead in her floral pleated skirt with dramatic red and blue diamonds, separated by gold criss-crossed embellishments, and her signature, oversized beige cable knit sweater, her medium curly hair pulled back in a bun.”
I typed that without copying, so if I worded it wrong, I am sorry. Great character details. I can see and hear this lady hella clearly.
“So I’m not nervous, I’m, like, super excited. I’m going to crush this.
I mean, why would I be nervous?”
This inner dialogue- usually I’m not fond of inner dialogue, but this story has some that’s hilarious, and one hundred percent sounds like my inner dialogue. I enjoyed it.
Hold it together, Addi–don’t spiral!
Something I tell myself every day. This character's personality, chef’s kiss.
Favorite scenes:
Who gave him the right to sit across from me with that Brendan Fraser smile and long light-brown hair from George of the Jungle? I bet he’s got the abs to match under that white oxford, his shirt buttons clearly sewn on with steel with the way they’re straining to contain his massive chest and shoulders. He’s formal up top but partying down below with his dark wash jeans and Timberlands.
But that’s not the reason he’s stolen the air from my lungs.
It’s his sunflower-yellow eyes. They’re so bright, so beautiful—even in his human form. A blaze lights deep within me. His eyes, they’re more than beautiful, they’re hungry, and I’m so… so thirsty.
This character… her entire internal rant on this guy is fucking ridiculous in the best way. I love that you are describing both characters at once, without stopping to explain either one. We know exactly what he looks like, but I’m also finding out just how dramatic and completely unhinged she is just from the way she is checking him out. It makes this particular scene feel really alive.
I had loads of fun with this. The character voice is loud, human, weird, dramatic, easy to picture and empathize with. I never once got bored reading it, either. It’s 100% on my list to finish what I can. You definitely know how to keep me entertained, and as always, I’m here for it.
I can see why you have Playlists and enjoy writing these guys. This was a fun time, lol. I get the blushing, I am terrible about that 🤣. And you already have me wanting to murder characters, and then read more and root on other characters, lol.
"The Jack of Hearts stuffed the four clans of conflict into the smallest conference room at a random Marriot on the outskirts of Atlanta"
Such a great twist and gives it a modern feel (though the 90s). Lavish halls of marble and velvet are so much the norm that this detail really grounded it. Awesome.
Love the pop culture references. Shows I didn’t live in a cave. The first person diary format is really cool and enjoyable. I read this straight through. Good work Josi.
This was very funny, the main character burrows herself right into your heart. Her humor and her sass are equally charming. The Heine joke was pure magic! Your first chapter shows a lot of restraint, we don't get a lot of answers in it. This chapter is all hook, it creates more questions than it answers and it naturally makes the reader want to read more. You have set up a bargain with your audience - you have said "I know you have a lot of questions and I'm not going to answer them right now, but I assure you - I will in time." Great Job!
Thank you. Writing a 17-year-old teenage girl and reverting my language to how we spoke back then is a challenge, but it’s worth it to read a comment like this.
Structure is my weakness, so it’s great to hear I hooked in chapter 1, which is the biggest challenge. Chapters 2 - 4 are up any time you want to get into them, and I’d love to know if I can hold onto you as a reader.
I don’t tend to worry too much about structure. I’m a pantser, so my stories are written literally by the seat of my pants. For me, my characters drive the writing. I simply tell their stories the way they tell them to me.
If you delve into any of my stories here on Substack, you will find that things sort of unfold slowly in my chapters, although I do love a sweep-you-off-your-feet moment, which I use in one of my writings. But for the most part, things unfold slowly as the characters live their lives and move through their world.
Everyone’s writing process is different. Don’t get too hung up on what people say should happen, or on the mechanics of structuring a story. Follow your heart and your creativity. Find what sings in your words.
This was a really fun read. Addi's voice reads authentic and likable, and, even being a man of no few years, I found myself commiserating and celebrating with her over things that would affect me differently, or not at all. That's good character voice.
The chapter does a good job of getting the reader caught up on what's going on in Addi's life. The four monster families renewing their treaty, Addi's apprehension over meeting the Jack of Hearts (the foreshadowing about knowing him when she sees him pays off well when the tiny lady ends up being "him." Lol--well done), the prospective love interest, sibling rivalry (but also affection), clan dynamics, etc. You did a lot of worldbuilding in this chapter and kept me interested. Seeing as how a middle-aged man probably isn't your target audience for paranormal romance, that's quite an accomplishment. Although. I do love urban fantasy and the paranormal, so those hooks were enough to get me started.
The humor running throughout is delightful. It keeps the narration light and breezy. One instance that comes to mind is Addi's critical view of the Jack of Hearts' choice of venue. That sarcastic tone is on point. I'd say, if you do another revision pass, try to add even more of that, but that's just my taste.
Overall, you've got a great start to what I'm sure will be a fun and fantastic tale. I'll be reading the next installments as I have time.
Without being asked for a full critique, I have just two pieces of feedback. One is HIGHLY optional, the other is necessary. We'll start with the necessary one.
There are enough typos in this draft that I really started noticing by the end. I'd do a pass specifically for missing words and letters. These are issues that Grammarly might not catch. Doing a quick skim from the end backward (because these kinds of mistakes are usually clustered in the back half of a piece), I found this right away:
"...and he's smiling and laughing me..."
Missing the "at." Not a huge deal on its own, but there are at least a few more examples like it. Easy fix!
Now, the optional advice is, I think this series could benefit greatly from an in medias res prologue. Something that starts in the action. As it stands, chapter one is good, but it's very expositional. We're learning a lot, and there are moments of real tension, but a short prologue with some real stakes and movement will buy you the time you need for chapter one to roll a little slower.
It could be a flash from the future (like in Spirits), or something from her past. It could even be from someone else's POV. An enemy or a powerful ally. Just something to excite the reader enough that, if they're the type to glaze over on slower chapters, you'll earn their patience with a "promise of the premise."
Again, this is take-it-or-leave-it advice. It's even something you could add later, when an idea hits you. That's the good thing about Substack. You can amend as you go.
In summary: You're killing it. I love the premise. I love Addi. The other characters are well drawn. The world is quirky and nostalgic for someone who lived through and loved the 90s. Keep it up!
Thanks for the note on the typos. I’ll have to do a typo pass because I am anti-AI (not for all the reasons most writers are, I think I can outwrite it any day of the week, as can you).
Promise of the premise… hmmm, I think I’ve promised some shifter-monster-love shennanigans but I’ll re-read chapter 1 to make sure.
And you may not be the target demographic, but Urban Fantasy is the other side of the coin to Paranormal Romance, and now I’ll do my best not to let you go. Thanks again for some feedback, and I look forward to finishing “Spirits”
Oh don’t let me go! I meant it when I said I loved this. I’m going to be reading as a fan. You’re doing great work.
And you’re totally right about the premise. I’m reading this thinking Supernatural, so I’m expecting some action sooner or later. But I realize the romance is the bigger theme. Noted!
Enjoyable read, and you have a lovely voice! This is a great first chapter for a serial and a nice way to set the stage for what's to come. Nicely done!
The mid 90s definitely comes through strong. I may have somehow missed the date at the beginning and I still absolutely felt the decade. Im a little bit confused tonally at points... am I supposed to be amused or afraid for Addi? It does make me want to keep reading and thats what a first chapter exists for. Well done and I look forward to what comes next.
Amused or afraid for Addi? Good question.
I enjoyed the character's voice. Her inner monologue is funny, and the ’90s references gave the chapter a lot of personality. She feels like someone with a clear point of view right away, which made the chapter easy to get into.
I’m also intrigued by the guy from the rival clan. He has a memorable presence, and I’m curious to see how that tension develops. Her relationship with her twin brother stood out to me too. She thinks he’s kind of a loser, but there’s still this closeness between them that feels very believable for twins.
Overall, this was a really fun opening with a strong voice, a funny premise, and enough tension to make me want to keep reading. I’m excited to see where you take it.
Ahh thanks! It's nice to see the work on Addi's voice paid off. Enjoy the fun while it lasts...
Wait what do you mean ‘while it lasts…’ 👀 👀
Nuthin… 😅
Good thing I have this saved 😭 now I need to know.
Favorite lines: “She trudges ahead in her floral pleated skirt with dramatic red and blue diamonds, separated by gold criss-crossed embellishments, and her signature, oversized beige cable knit sweater, her medium curly hair pulled back in a bun.”
I typed that without copying, so if I worded it wrong, I am sorry. Great character details. I can see and hear this lady hella clearly.
“So I’m not nervous, I’m, like, super excited. I’m going to crush this.
I mean, why would I be nervous?”
This inner dialogue- usually I’m not fond of inner dialogue, but this story has some that’s hilarious, and one hundred percent sounds like my inner dialogue. I enjoyed it.
Hold it together, Addi–don’t spiral!
Something I tell myself every day. This character's personality, chef’s kiss.
Favorite scenes:
Who gave him the right to sit across from me with that Brendan Fraser smile and long light-brown hair from George of the Jungle? I bet he’s got the abs to match under that white oxford, his shirt buttons clearly sewn on with steel with the way they’re straining to contain his massive chest and shoulders. He’s formal up top but partying down below with his dark wash jeans and Timberlands.
But that’s not the reason he’s stolen the air from my lungs.
It’s his sunflower-yellow eyes. They’re so bright, so beautiful—even in his human form. A blaze lights deep within me. His eyes, they’re more than beautiful, they’re hungry, and I’m so… so thirsty.
This character… her entire internal rant on this guy is fucking ridiculous in the best way. I love that you are describing both characters at once, without stopping to explain either one. We know exactly what he looks like, but I’m also finding out just how dramatic and completely unhinged she is just from the way she is checking him out. It makes this particular scene feel really alive.
I had loads of fun with this. The character voice is loud, human, weird, dramatic, easy to picture and empathize with. I never once got bored reading it, either. It’s 100% on my list to finish what I can. You definitely know how to keep me entertained, and as always, I’m here for it.
Write Club - Eris
I can see why you have Playlists and enjoy writing these guys. This was a fun time, lol. I get the blushing, I am terrible about that 🤣. And you already have me wanting to murder characters, and then read more and root on other characters, lol.
I’m a big blusher too. And murder characters already? Ompf, it’s going to get so much worse later.
Good. My imagination will run wild with karma scenarios haha.
"The Jack of Hearts stuffed the four clans of conflict into the smallest conference room at a random Marriot on the outskirts of Atlanta"
Such a great twist and gives it a modern feel (though the 90s). Lavish halls of marble and velvet are so much the norm that this detail really grounded it. Awesome.
😂😂😂 that detail still makes me laugh.
I could write paragraphs about it, but just can say, it gives so much info about their personality and ethos and does alot of world building.
Love the pop culture references. Shows I didn’t live in a cave. The first person diary format is really cool and enjoyable. I read this straight through. Good work Josi.
You're very welcome Maddox
This was very funny, the main character burrows herself right into your heart. Her humor and her sass are equally charming. The Heine joke was pure magic! Your first chapter shows a lot of restraint, we don't get a lot of answers in it. This chapter is all hook, it creates more questions than it answers and it naturally makes the reader want to read more. You have set up a bargain with your audience - you have said "I know you have a lot of questions and I'm not going to answer them right now, but I assure you - I will in time." Great Job!
Thank you. Writing a 17-year-old teenage girl and reverting my language to how we spoke back then is a challenge, but it’s worth it to read a comment like this.
Structure is my weakness, so it’s great to hear I hooked in chapter 1, which is the biggest challenge. Chapters 2 - 4 are up any time you want to get into them, and I’d love to know if I can hold onto you as a reader.
I will definitely read them.
I don’t tend to worry too much about structure. I’m a pantser, so my stories are written literally by the seat of my pants. For me, my characters drive the writing. I simply tell their stories the way they tell them to me.
If you delve into any of my stories here on Substack, you will find that things sort of unfold slowly in my chapters, although I do love a sweep-you-off-your-feet moment, which I use in one of my writings. But for the most part, things unfold slowly as the characters live their lives and move through their world.
Everyone’s writing process is different. Don’t get too hung up on what people say should happen, or on the mechanics of structuring a story. Follow your heart and your creativity. Find what sings in your words.
The song is yours, and only you can sing it!
This was a really fun read. Addi's voice reads authentic and likable, and, even being a man of no few years, I found myself commiserating and celebrating with her over things that would affect me differently, or not at all. That's good character voice.
The chapter does a good job of getting the reader caught up on what's going on in Addi's life. The four monster families renewing their treaty, Addi's apprehension over meeting the Jack of Hearts (the foreshadowing about knowing him when she sees him pays off well when the tiny lady ends up being "him." Lol--well done), the prospective love interest, sibling rivalry (but also affection), clan dynamics, etc. You did a lot of worldbuilding in this chapter and kept me interested. Seeing as how a middle-aged man probably isn't your target audience for paranormal romance, that's quite an accomplishment. Although. I do love urban fantasy and the paranormal, so those hooks were enough to get me started.
The humor running throughout is delightful. It keeps the narration light and breezy. One instance that comes to mind is Addi's critical view of the Jack of Hearts' choice of venue. That sarcastic tone is on point. I'd say, if you do another revision pass, try to add even more of that, but that's just my taste.
Overall, you've got a great start to what I'm sure will be a fun and fantastic tale. I'll be reading the next installments as I have time.
Without being asked for a full critique, I have just two pieces of feedback. One is HIGHLY optional, the other is necessary. We'll start with the necessary one.
There are enough typos in this draft that I really started noticing by the end. I'd do a pass specifically for missing words and letters. These are issues that Grammarly might not catch. Doing a quick skim from the end backward (because these kinds of mistakes are usually clustered in the back half of a piece), I found this right away:
"...and he's smiling and laughing me..."
Missing the "at." Not a huge deal on its own, but there are at least a few more examples like it. Easy fix!
Now, the optional advice is, I think this series could benefit greatly from an in medias res prologue. Something that starts in the action. As it stands, chapter one is good, but it's very expositional. We're learning a lot, and there are moments of real tension, but a short prologue with some real stakes and movement will buy you the time you need for chapter one to roll a little slower.
It could be a flash from the future (like in Spirits), or something from her past. It could even be from someone else's POV. An enemy or a powerful ally. Just something to excite the reader enough that, if they're the type to glaze over on slower chapters, you'll earn their patience with a "promise of the premise."
Again, this is take-it-or-leave-it advice. It's even something you could add later, when an idea hits you. That's the good thing about Substack. You can amend as you go.
In summary: You're killing it. I love the premise. I love Addi. The other characters are well drawn. The world is quirky and nostalgic for someone who lived through and loved the 90s. Keep it up!
Thanks for the note on the typos. I’ll have to do a typo pass because I am anti-AI (not for all the reasons most writers are, I think I can outwrite it any day of the week, as can you).
Promise of the premise… hmmm, I think I’ve promised some shifter-monster-love shennanigans but I’ll re-read chapter 1 to make sure.
And you may not be the target demographic, but Urban Fantasy is the other side of the coin to Paranormal Romance, and now I’ll do my best not to let you go. Thanks again for some feedback, and I look forward to finishing “Spirits”
Oh don’t let me go! I meant it when I said I loved this. I’m going to be reading as a fan. You’re doing great work.
And you’re totally right about the premise. I’m reading this thinking Supernatural, so I’m expecting some action sooner or later. But I realize the romance is the bigger theme. Noted!
Enjoyable read, and you have a lovely voice! This is a great first chapter for a serial and a nice way to set the stage for what's to come. Nicely done!
Thanks! Addi’s voice is fun to write.